Doggie Rants The world has gone mad and there are things to be said. And as you'll see, I have a whole lot to say about anything and everything. But, for the moment, I will limit my rants to those issues involving dogs. Because my book is filled with them. And my book is what this website is all about in the first place. Now, I have to fess up that I have a dog and am not above doing some of the bad things I am about to criticize. But I know they're wrong and I try not to do them. Maybe that makes me no better than anybody else, but I get to criticize whoever I want, because this is my website, and I can do whatever I want. Don't you hate stepping in dog poop? Or even seeing it, much less smelling it? Don't you think people who don't pick up their dog's poop should be ticketed, fined and even jailed? I think it would be great if everyone could ticket 3-5 people a week, just for behaving badly. You see someone leave their dog's poop on the sidewalk, you issue him a ticket. He pays twenty bucks to a fund to buy musical instruments for all city schools. And, if you are issued more than 5 tickets a year, you go to Sing-Sing. What about people who leave their dogs in cars on a hot day? That's equivalent to manslaughter and once again, people should be held responsible. Most people who take dogs in their cars do it because they think their dog will be lonely at home. Trust me: your dog will be much happier sleeping the day away on your living room rug than dying of thirst and heat in the back seat of your SUV. Dogs in clothes. I don't care if it's snowing or raining or hailing or all three outside, you never, ever put your dogs in booties or a t-shirt or a knit sweater that says "Cutie Pie" unless a vet has prescribed it for a very specific reason. The only dogs I've ever seen entitled to wear their little doggie sweaters - and only when the temperature is below 30 degrees Fahrenheit -- are the Italian greyhounds in my building who weigh about two pounds each and are as thin as vanilla wafers. People wear clothes. Dogs are not people, even though we think they are. My dog thinks he's a person. He told me so. Have you ever had a friend come to dinner and bring their -uninvited-dog? Hello, that is so unacceptable. Just because you love your dog doesn't mean everyone loves your dog. It's the same with children. Everyone thinks theirs are the best in the world - especially those whose kids are nightmares. (Except me. I think my kids are the best in the world. And they are.) We are friends with a family who takes their dog everywhere, including to our place. The dog never brings a house gift, but she sure leaves us one: a personal deposit on the floor of the kids' bedroom. Now I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I would've preferred flowers. People who take their dogs everywhere need to understand one thing: don't. Dogs off leashes. Now this really pisses me off. You see a dog running wild in the park. It's adorable and playful, it's wild, it's free. It'll kill you. Or your dog. Or both of the above. Trust me. It'll run up to you, all cute and spry and take a bite out of your dog's neck, as a neighbor's dog did to ours. And of course the owner of the offending dog said, "Oh gee! Wow. This has never happened before. My pookie is usually so nice. I can't imagine why blah blah blah." You can't imagine? He has YOU for an owner! That's why! Once a ten-pound shih tzu running around without a leash in the park jumped into the back of my knee, making it collapse and dislocate. Six months of physical therapy later, I walked back into that park and…no I didn't. But I wanted to. Little Dogs vs Big Dogs. I can argue both sides of this issue. Maybe it's because I'm a Libra. Nah, I don't think so. It's because one can argue both sides of this issue. Little dogs are cute but as a fashion statement, not a pet. They yelp, they bite, they are glorified cats, meant to be cute. Some are glorified rats, meant to be, well, you know. The worst ones are those with bows in their hair that are carried to parties. I was recently at an art gallery opening and there were no less than eight Yorkies. All with bows. Each cradled in the arms of a human. Maybe they were part of an avante garde conceptual art piece. At least that would've explained it. The good thing about small dogs is they travel well, they fit well in small apartments and they eat less than a St. Bernard. And feel better in your lap, too. But big dogs are real dogs. They run, they hunt squirrels, they play Frisbee and catch, they sleep all day and act like dogs. But if they're too big for your space, it can be a problem. There was recently an article in The New York Times about a guy who rented an apartment just to house his Great Dane. Now that's insane. The point here is that people are insane about their dogs. And why not, for god's sake? Dogs are amazing and we love them and they love us and we are better off for it. Pity the poor people who are not dog people. They'll never experience hair that sheds all over a new couch, the feeling and aroma of warm, fresh poop in a plastic bag, being awakened at 5:00am with a slobbery lick on the face or the barking at the door when the pizza guy delivers. Dogs make our lives richer. And what's more wonderful than that? Send me your own rants; I'd love to hear from you. Send your rants to: Leslie@LeslieSchnur.com